Be Aware!!!!!!!!!lol.

I guess I felt the need to write another Entry.So much on my mind.First of all,I am going to delet my private journal,as I have no time for it.lol.This journal is enough.If I want to in a later time to put one up again,I will.I been thinking about so many things in my life.I want to say,that,I am comfortable with my life right now,in some ways,I am,in other ways I am not.I want to start improving my life better.I am always saying that I am not happy,that,I am miserable,but you know what,what it all comes down to.Its just Me feeling sorry for myself,being in my own pitty party.I have so much to be thankful for.I will be honest,at times,I want so much out of my life,but,really dont know what that is at this time.I want to actullay say I am happy,again,some ways I am,other ways,I am not.So many things have hapend in the past that,yes,I do regret,I am not doing this enty for anyone,but Me.I want so much for my life to actullay setlle down,be the way I want to be.I look around in my life and the people in my life,they are happy and why cant I be happy to?Because,I have to be happy for Me!!!!!!ME!!!!!As scary as it is,I want that.I know its an everday task,to be happy,not leting things get to you.Things in my life do stress me out and I do worry alot,you all know that.I know my Mom wants the best for me,wants me to be happy.To  be honest with you,I dont even know if I want to be married,that,right there,is confusing.Yes,I want to be with someone and,yeah,I do want to be married,but,maybe now isnt the right time.I dont know.I dont know what is the right time.All I know is,I want things to happend,I only want good things happening in my life.All through out my life,I have just been in this pitty party for so long,why?Its not getting me anywere.I do sit up in my room and alot of times,most of the time,I get depressed and I ask myself,were is my life going?What do you want out of your life?I have always wanted to help others,make people happy,give them something of my life I can give.Do you all know what I am saying?Or am I just confusing you all?I will also admit,that,I want so much happyness for my family,even the ones who I dont speak to,that is even my brother.So much hatered in this world,that is what is scarying me,so many people have hate in there lives,and there is no love,no sharing,no giving.I am just sitting here doing nothing.I have so much to give and I dont.I just thought of soemthing,out of the blue.I would like to write a letter to my Arthitis Doctor,Hes been a big help,but I would like to tell Him,everything how I have been feeling,I dont know,something has just come over me tonight and I felt the need to say it to you all.My Doctor knows,I am depressed,but,I dont want to be.Maybe someday,I can live without pills,but right now,I cant,and I feel guilty because I depend on them.And another thing,I would like to talk about, would like,love to make new friends,hang out,go to the movies,but I dont know how to do that,maybe they dont want to be around me.Maybe they can sence I am not happy.I dont share my feelings,like,I am saring this with you all.What I am saying is,I want to change and I dont know how.My boyfriend,has been the best guy in my life to help me out so much,at times,I feel like I am traped,but,I never want to loose Him.Is that worng?I love Him alot.I guess,what,I am trying to say is.I need to stop beating around the bush.I am 34,and things have to change.I am always making other people in my life happy,my Mom.Now its time to make me happy.I dont even know what that is.Anyways,its getting about that time and my shows are comming on.Thank you all for listning to me vent,but this is actullay not,well,yes it is.But,I jsut needed to get some things off my mind.thank you all for listning.