Ok,I am just sitting here,thinking of what to say,boy,I could say alot of things,but,dont know were to begin.I always say that,dont I?I will tell you one thing,I am stressed,stressed out about alot of things in my life.Here I am at the age of almost turning 35 and I have no clue what my life is going to turn out to be.I have to be honest for the first time in my life,I am scared of whats going to happend.Alot of times I feel alone and dont know how to not be alone.
Let me tell you,I want things to change for the good in my life.were do you go from there?How do you start fresh?How do you make the world around you a better place to live?stop living in the past,letting the past go?My heart hurts and to be honest with you,I wish I wasnt taking any pills for depression,but,I need it,I need them to make my life seem somewhat ok.But when it all comes down to it,my life isnt ok.Yeah,I have a good family,maybe 2 good friends and a wonderful boyfriend who is always there for me.I dont want to be alone.I want to stand up for myself and I dont know how to do that.I want better things for my life.
I dont even know what I am talking about anymore.What is councling helping?What is my meds helping?what is worng with me?Ok,so maybe I am just talking,no,maybe I am just telling how it is with my life.Let me ask you all a question?Is anyone ever happy?Happy with there life?When is it you have to stop worrying about from one thing to another?
Let me tell you this,in the back of your mind,your thinking of all the things that people have told you that you wont ammount to anything in your life,that this is it,this is your life.Your not going to get married,not going to have kids,your going to be living at home with your family for the rest of your life.HOW O YOU PROVE THEM WORNG?I FEEL LIKE SCREAMING AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS!!!!!!!!!!!Ok,I know you guys are thinking,what is Her problem,has She gone nuts?Maybe I have,but,I think this was a long time comming and will be a contiuning entry of my life.lol.
For the first time in my life,I relized so many things I want out of my life and it scares me the most more than anything in the world.Growing up and doing things on yor own.Stop feeling like your to blame for everything that happend in the past.Stop thinking that you wont amount to nothing.I feel that,I think that and I dont want to feel that or think of that.I want to stand up for myself.with all of whats going on in todays world,scares me,that scares me,life scares me.Thinking I cant make it out on my own,scares me.I am sure some people think I am a bad person,that I have no good in me,I am useless.They dont know me,they dont know the kind of person I can be.I have a giving heart,yet,I make mistakes,plenty of them.probllay will make more.I try hard to pleasing some people and maybe wanting some people back in my life,some people maybe not.I have got so many problems that I have to work out and have no clue how to fix them.How to make my life happy,my heart happy.well,I have gone on long enough with this story of mine,but,I am not done,but,done for now,will come back later.Thanks for listening.Be safe and kool.Peaceout,till now.
11 comments:
Most people are lost it’s human nature to make the simplest things into complex complicated matters. I’m happy you have a forum to vent your frustrations in. I’m confident that once your head stops spinning you’ll be able to take a step back and analysis what you feel is missing from your life. Sometimes when you spend so much time searching for something you forget what you were looking for in the first place, so all you need to do is revisit your beginnings. But I’ve been wrong before, good luck and best wishes.
Love, Sebastian
Hmm where do I start? For what it is worth....
First, knowing you are unhappy is not a bad thing. It means you know you need to change and that is better then not realizing it.
Next, you would be surprised how many people are unhappy also. How many people feel just like you & sometimes when they are older.
I like to think of life like a roller coaster. Maybe that is why I love them so much. They are scary as hell but what do I do? I always ride the front car! :-) Seriously! And I even injured my foot on one that after 3 yrs & 6 docs they finally figure out what is wrong with it. They did surgery but not before I lost 92% of my muscle (they grafted 50%) and had nerve damage...but what did I do last summer? I road Superman for the first time. Boy does that sound bad...think about it! HA! But actually that would be a great ride too...I'm so bad sorry...maybe it made you laugh though.
Ok, next, all those messages you get from others...I tell my students "Tell me a logical reason why others can have this (or happiness in general) and you can't" They usually can't! So then they do go after what they want...majoring in nursing or asking that girl out ETC! Even if they find out it isn't right they tried & didn't always wonder.
Next, if we were suppose to figure out LIFE by 35 (or 42 in my case) what would the rest of life be for? I don't think we figure it out until much later & I think that is ok. I think it is more about the ride (like roller coasters) then the end when you get off! :-) And heck even waiting in line & being all anxious a bit is fun if you do think about it. Now some are really scared of the ride but if they go on it afterwards many become junkies like me realizing it really is fun. :-)
Hmm where do I start? For what it is worth....
First, knowing you are unhappy is not a bad thing. It means you know you need to change and that is better then not realizing it.
Next, you would be surprised how many people are unhappy also. How many people feel just like you & sometimes when they are older.
I like to think of life like a roller coaster. Maybe that is why I love them so much. They are scary as hell but what do I do? I always ride the front car! :-) Seriously! And I even injured my foot on one that after 3 yrs & 6 docs they finally figure out what is wrong with it. They did surgery but not before I lost 92% of my muscle (they grafted 50%) and had nerve damage...but what did I do last summer? I road Superman for the first time. Boy does that sound bad...think about it! HA! But actually that would be a great ride too...I'm so bad sorry...maybe it made you laugh though.
Ok, next, all those messages you get from others...I tell my students "Tell me a logical reason why others can have this (or happiness in general) and you can't" They usually can't! So then they do go after what they want...majoring in nursing or asking that girl out ETC! Even if they find out it isn't right they tried & didn't always wonder.
Next, if we were suppose to figure out LIFE by 35 (or 42 in my case) what would the rest of life be for? I don't think we figure it out until much later & I think that is ok. I think it is more about the ride (like roller coasters) then the end when you get off! :-) And heck even waiting in line & being all anxious a bit is fun if you do think about it. Now some are really scared of the ride but if they go on it afterwards many become junkies like me realizing it really is fun. :-)
continued....
I'm not married...no kids either but one time when I was feeling down about it (again) I read an article in Oprah's magazine about a couple who were deciding if they wanted kids. It was about their choice not to...to be able to give to their nieces & nephews....take them places their parents could not, pay for a bit of their college etc. It really made me think that I can love kids even without them being my own. And love can come any time....probably why I love the "Grumpy Old Men" movies! HA!
We all scream from time to time & that is just fine! Better than other choices. Just don't listen to those others. I always tell people what will you do one day when they are no longer here on this planet? You have to live your life for you. They have to live there life for themselves. When they tell you those things it speaks more about them then you if you think about it. You can choose not to listen to them. Thank God I didn't (friends). They are shocked I have my Masters & part of my PhD done now. No one would have guessed when I was little! I just take those comments & let it give me fuel. Just tell me "No" and watch out! Try it in small steps...just one time one day & then two times the next day & it will build up. Be the person who is inside. Be the change you want to be. Give your gifts to the world that God (sorry) gave you & wants you to give.
It's very scary growing up and moving on with life. But, you can do it. Yes, I have been and most of the time I am a very happy person. So, I know it can be achieved. You have a lot of thinking to do, and think how you can change things if you want. Just baby steps so it's not so frigtening.
A few things I always think of when I'm feeling down. Try to list all the GOOD things down on paper that are in your life. Then what really helps me is knowing that there are SO many people that have it worse then I do. There are so many people dying of cancer out there...suffering...People who have lost their children in a terrible accident or to something else..wow that sort of thing really makes me appreciate what I do have. Celebrate the good! I try not to think of the bad at all but only the good. I know sometimes thats really hard to do...also, you have more then two friends...remember that all of us here are your friends too! :))) OK!?
I think about you daily Amanda with lot's of love from my heart to yours. I worry about you...the pain you suffer, the issues at work...the concerns you have...all of it. My heart weeps at times, for you...but you can turn things around....you truly can. May the week ahead bring you much happiness..and joy...not fears...your a dear friend...and we all in j-land care for you always...hugs and lots of love,
Joyce
It is hard to let go of the past, but yoou just have to say everyday that you are going to do it. Don't be scared of the world. The world is filled with wonderful people and place.
Kelli
http://journals.aol.com/kamdghwmw/noonmom
People can choose to be happy or choose to be stressed.
There is always going to be conflict in your life--it's how you choose to handle the conflict.
You can either dwell on the negativity or focus on the positivity and be happy.
Even happy people have things in their life that could make them unhappy.
dang it I had wrote u a long comment then lost it. :( Long story short. I can relate.
Hi Mandy, I hope you are feeling a bit more cheery now. As far as I can say, there are always problems in life and I am pleased you have a loving family and boyfriend. They are what matters and just imagine if you didn't have them. Also, you have us, your friends in j-land. I know your illnesses get you down but I always think that there is always someone worse off. So chin up sweetie and start living life! Hugs, Terry xxx
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